Mistress’ Mailbag: The InstaDom

An email from an instadom

instadom-mailIt’s been a while since I’ve done one of these, mostly because they can be repetitive.  But today’s letter from a curious instadom was different enough that I thought it was worth sharing.

For those of you who are unfamiliar with the term, an InstaDom or InstaDomme is someone who hangs a shingle and calls him or herself a Dominant because they think it’s a quick way to get people to give them either money or pussy.   These people are different from beginning Dominants in that they don’t bother to learn about the fetish they’re catering to, not having enough interest in the actual kink to do the research before they go looking for submissives to kiss their asses.

You’ll see here that the person who wrote to me seems to be in a gray area.  On the one hand, he’s asking for information.  That’s a good thing.  On the other hand, he’s calling himself a Dom when he clearly has no understanding of the submissive mindset.  Perhaps I was too hard on him.  I’ll leave it for you to decide and respect your opinion, whatever you think.  But his question belied such a lack of understanding, that I’d have been far more impressed if he’d been asking for information without calling himself a Dom.  Calling himself a Dom at this stage implies that he’s actively trying to Top someone without the first clue about what might make them tip.

Here’s the letter so you can judge for yourself.  The name has been withheld to protect him  from his own foolishness.


From: ———– (AKA InstaDom)
Subject: Question
Date: Oct 27, 2016 06:38 AM

“Hi there I am sorry to bother you but I was wondering if you could possibly answer a question for me I’ve never been submissive I’m a dom being a dom I can’t understand why a guy would be in thought process of being a sissy or being humiliated I was curious if you could give me some insight “


My  Response To Mr. Instadom:

“Based on the question, I’d think you weren’t a Dom so much as an InstaDom who wants to wear the label of Dom in the hopes of scoring some compliant pussy or else a girlfriend who won’t challenge selfish behavior.

Whatever your motivation, anyone who calls himself a Dom without bothering to learn, understand, and empathize with the submissive mindset isn’t worthy of the label.

Or else you’re just so insanely sexist that you can’t imagine men and women could share any of the same needs and desires, whether that be for love, acceptance, or in the case of a fetishist, humiliation.

There are many reasons people come to enjoy submission and/or humiliation. The two are not always the same thing, even in a BDSM relationship. But once someone has developed a taste for the adrenaline rush of humiliation, sissification can be a quick and easy way to get it. After all, in a world where sissy and faggot are the worst things most bullies can think to call a man, it’s hardly surprising the words hold so much power over a man’s mind. Just as women who are into humiliation can enjoy the sting of the words whore and slut, men can enjoy being called faggot and sissy.   Of course, calling people slut or bitch is usually directed  at women, using them on a man with a sissy fetish can be doubly powerful for its emasculating effect.

With all that said, this just addresses the question as you asked it, with regards to sissy humiliation. There are many sissies who enjoy the fetish without the humiliation aspect. Again, there are as many different reasons men like it as there are sissies indulging in it. Some just enjoy women so much, they want to wrap themselves up in all things girly. For others, it’s a symbol of how much power they’ve relinquished to their Mistress or Master. For some, it can be just an enjoyable exercise in pampering and playing to a degree that usually isn’t afforded to men. Still others will just have had a spontaneous erection at a time in their early lives so that, ever after,  the tingles were  associated with whatever object they were focused on at the time it happened. If that happens to be some article of clothing, a fetish is born.

There is simply no simple answer to your question. The paths that lead a submissive to their kink is never a direct route from inception to fully fledged creation. A multitude of relationships and experiences will build on the foundation of a fetish to make a very individual submissive with very individual needs and responses.

Now, with all that said, being a Dominant is a responsibility, a burden, and a blessing. It’s not about your needs and wants nearly as much as it is about theirs. Just because I’m in charge doesn’t mean what I do is all about me. Just like with raising pets, I may be an owner, but I’m also responsible for their care. And if I don’t understand them at all, it’s going to end badly for both of us. They need control and you can’t control what you don’t understand.

I commend you for trying to learn something but suggest you spend a little more time on that before you go around calling yourself a Dom, especially to people who know the difference.